Oh. Hell. Yes.

If any of you have known me for any length of time, you know that I have a slight obsession with George Michael. I have been IN LOVE with him since I was about oh, eleven years old or so. I seriously cried when I saw him on Oprah a few years ago, and still, if I watch him on youtube or something, I feel like I'm going to die from a love sick heart. You can say what you wanna say about him being gay, but I don't care. I love this man - his voice makes me want to take my underwear off and throw them on the stage that I WILL BE SEEING HIM ON THIS SUMMER!! HE'S GOING ON TOUR!! I know, I know- you already knew that because everyone loves him like I do. But seriously, this is a life long dream of mine, and come hell or high water, I will be in DC on July 29 to see him. You just mark my words.

I know that if I didn't like him and I knew someone that did I would think it was the funniest thing ever and I would rip on them like crazy. I can't exlpain it- other than thinking he has THE most perfect voice in the world and the fact that he was my first true love other than Kyle Macey who was my true first boyfriend at the age of 4 when he played for the KY Wildcats, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, seriously, I still have a mad crush on this man , I don't care if he does have a very nice boyfriend that lives in his English cottage!!:

Sunday Thought

I find that I cycle through really spiritual peaks and then something happens and it causes me to lose my footing and I feel unsettled. I have had several large decisions in my life that I felt spiritually 100% sure of, only to to end in disastrous results. I know I am not alone in this and I know that we all have trials. I think when we go through a really hard time, we try to figure out how to avoid something similar happening in the future. I know I want to spare myself the pain of repeating a cycle or making "mistakes" over again. While trying to figure out what went wrong and why God would confirm to me a decision that would end so badly, I've read relationship books, psychology books, anthropology books, spiritual books, Judy Blume books, you name it- I've tried to find the answer. At times I have supposed that I must be crazy or misdirected or traumatized subconsciously from my childhood and THAT'S why I feel SO sure about things and think that God has directed me. Thoughts like that make me not trust my feelings and it has, at times, made me doubt my belief in God and in the church. Last year at this time, I wrote in my journal of extreme spiritual insight and closeness to God. It seemed that everyday I read the scriptures, something touched me personally and my heart felt as if it might explode.
In the months since late last summer, I've had to figure out how it is that life really works. I've read existentialist views, I've read of the Protestant reformation and the Catholic reformation and I've read of tribes in New Guinea who believe that their sweet potato crops have a soul. Why do people have so many crazy beliefs? Every culture in every part of the world believes in something, even if it's in nothing, as a guide to their spirituality and deity. I want to know if there is a truth in this world. Surely, if there is a God, he didn't intend for us to flounder around in relativity.
I've once again muddled through the book of Alma with all its stories of wars, wishing I would get to something with some meaning to me. I read Helaman 5 last night, the story of Helaman's sons, Lehi and Nephi, going out as missionaries, being cast into prison. The story tells that the earth shook and was covered in a cloud of darkness. There was one among them, Aminidab, who had once been a member of the church but had dissented. To me, he is the hero of this story. Even though he had lost his way, he still recognized what was going on with Lehi and Nephi. He realized they were talking to angels, and he told the people that they way out the cloud of darkness was to cry unto the voice, to repent. This struck me hard. Is the way out of our darkest times, when our lives hang heavy and we are hurt, is it simply turning to Christ? But the thing I love is the example of Aminidab. Something in him remembered. Something in him had not gone so far away from the church that he didn't recognize the light. I love that he is mentioned because it gives hope to us all, even if we have doubted or felt hurt or even wondered if God really existed. Aminidab wasn't perfect, and neither am I, but he was redeemed and by turning to God, he was freed from the cloud of darkness.
I re-read this chapter during the sacrament today, still praying for something to strengthen my testimony, and the member of the bishophric who bore his testimony first read this very chapter. I was completely humbled and energized at the same time. Why had he chosen the very chapter I had read last night, and read again minutes before? I don't know why he did, and I feel inadequate to believe that God prompted him to just for me, but that's really how I felt.
I feel that God most often blesses us through other people. This was kind of a personal thing to happen to me today, but I felt kind of prompted to share it on my blog. I don't know why- maybe one of you guys who read this might need this same message, and if not, you can all go back to thinking I'm crazy :) Or maybe it was for me- to write it out and to think this experience through one more time. Honestly, I'm at a point in my life where I really want to be close to God and I want understanding, but I'm a little afraid because it seems that the times I've been spiritually on top of my game the most, I feel really inspired to follow a course that ends up being so tough, and maybe I'm selfish, but I really could use a little reprieve. I guess I feel like a kid who's put their hand on something hot and is afraid to be burned again.

Hot or Not?

I was just reading a photography blog as I often like to do when I have nothing else to do at work, and saw a contest where three couples were trying to win free photography service at their wedding. Two of the couples were really attractive, and the third- well, not so pretty. Viewers are supposed to vote for the couple they like.

Remember that website hotornot.com? My sister and I used to get on there all the time and we'd give the not-so-attractive people, but people who looked genuinely nice a TEN, just b/c they looked nice. The trashy girls who put half naked, half open mouthed toothy clinched faced pictures got a ZERO because we didn't like them and we knew all the 17 year old guys were voting ten on them. Man, we really screwed with their averages ;) lol.

So, I'm voting for the ugly couple because, you know what? they are probably really nice people.

that's all I got today. The end.

Singin'

Here are some pics from the little singing engagement my sister, cousin, and I had last night.

Here's a family shot first :

L to R: Me, Bro Mark, Sis Shelley, Sis in law Cheri (I know these flouncy maternity-esque shirts are in style, but I'll be glad when they're not cause we all look preggors.)

Ok, if I look like I'm on hee haw in this shot, well it's cause we practically are. We're talking BOON DOCKS, BABY!! you get a line, I'll get a pole, we'll go fishin' in the craw fish hole, down in the BOON DOCKS! Saturday night, church on Sunday mornin' ....

Please note how freakin' awesome my boots are (and also, shelley needs a belt. our cousin Ben on the guitar is a cutie! Hey, it's West Virginia- I can say my cousin's cute):

Sometimes, like in this picture, I like to take a moment of artistic contemplation before I sing the next line.

Looking for a little inspiration...

When I first moved back to Virginia, circa 1998, I was really bored and really lonely and sad. I made buddies with the sister missionaries, and soon on Fridays they would come to my house to do their laundry. For a while, the word was out on the missionary street that a missionary's experience here in the south had to include a trip to Mountain Lake, 30 minutes from here, the place where "Dirty Dancing" was mostly filmed and a trip to Dairy Queen for a "slaw dog". The Utah girls called it a slaw dawg, but I think we just call it a hot dog with cole slaw. So, I made several trips to Mountain Lake on p-days and a few trips to the DQ. Those were good times. I really got to understand what the missionaries went through. I was always convinced that I would go on a mission, but I got married when I was like 12 and didn't get to do it. Maybe someday when I'm old and I wear my elastic waisted skirts up to my chest, I'll go. Anyways, I lived vicariously through these girls for a while. I was roughly their age, but I was freshly divorced with a two year old.



One of the girls I got to know was so fun and had the greatest personality. I found her blog years after she served here and she is such a talented writer!! Anyways, I was surfing through blogs that I "lurk" on tonight, with a little bit of a hope that I'd stumble upon something inspirational, and so I went to her blog. Apparently, she recently lost her lap top, ipod, and other digital stuff. I think I felt half way sick for her, and as requested, I said a little prayer that God would direct all lost items back to "Ninny Beth's" life. But she said something that did inspire me related to her loss and to life. This is what she said :



I believe that we lose things so that we can make room for something new.



Think about that. Those of you who know me, you know that my life is completely different today than it was a year ago, but in some ways it's the same. But what if- just. what. if. - we do make room for something else when something is lost? I think this is absolutely true, but only if we choose to look at it this way. I am choosing to look at life this way. My life was put together, and going ok, and I made some choices that I felt completely sure of, and life ended up spiraling down, as if I was in a blender spiraling down toward the blade... but I'm that one chunck of ice that refuses to get crushed. Life keeps pushing the "blend" button, and I might get dinged, but I keep going back to the sides and to the top. I am truly grateful for a sister who picked me up at the airport that morning on August 27 and who has been there. Oh gosh, I can't start thinking about the little thing we like to call ALASKA!! (tears, please go away!) I'm grateful. I'm truly grateful.



I believe that we lose things so that we can make room for something new.



I believe.



I'm also grateful that I'm not a siamese twin, cause I might kind of look like this :

Memory Lane

I awoke this morning to a naked Matthew climbing into bed with me.

"Um, why are you naked" as I put my hand on his back, feeling the heat coming from his skin, I knew he had a fever. So, we've had a sick day, which has consisted of sitting on the couch, lying on the couch, getting up to eat some fried chicken, back to the couch, a couple of hands of "Go Fish", the second hand of which Matthew cheated... I'm just sayin'.

Anyways, my sister's fiance is in town for a couple of days and I don't think I like him anymore. He is moving my sister to freakin' ALASKA in October for a minimum of TWO years, maybe three!!! what am I going to do?? We've been here in Christiansburg together for seven years! I guess we could both never get married again and just be old cat ladies in bathrobes... speaking of which, check us out this last Halloween (I'm the one in the red moomoo):

My kids love it when we dress up, and it's really embarrassing and we only do it because we love the boys so much!! (ha, right! we actually love doing it!!)

anyway, here's Halloween 2006. We decided to be fabulous seniors from Florida and had a BLAST at the thrift store picking out these outfits... we put so much baby powder in our hair to make it "white" that I think we may have contracted lung cancer! Oh snap! you can't see my skin tight, fluorescent floral pants! they were the best part. Anyway, we weren't sure if our costumes worked until some friends of mine from church came over and saw me on the porch and said "I wonder if Kristin is here, I see her mom on the porch." BINGO! mission accomplished ;)

And here's a Halloween, I think this was 2001- I was the witch this time, and Shelley got the moomoo. She was hilarious as Grandma Grigsby! She had a bunch of pennies in her red grannie bag, and when any kids who were obviously too old to be trick-or-treating came to our house, she'd give them a couple of pennies instead of candy and tell them not to spend it all in one place!! It was awesome!!

Well, Shelley, you just try and see if you can find anyone in Alaska that will make Halloween as much fun!! Maybe I'll come up and we can wear bikinis and sunglasses just to be really funny. Gosh, I'm gonna miss you!!

Rushing in warm weather, please.

My sister found this picture on her computer last night and it makes me miss summer time when Matthew has really blonde hair!! This is another example of how Matthew looooves having his picture taken... Matthew learned how to swim last summer by watching another little girl swim. After observing, he just took off and in no time he was winning olympic metals and what not.
Matthew is very concerned with not breaking the law (yes, he's 5). He is still worried about a Sharpie he stole from a Kinkos two plus years ago. I took him with me to do appraisals an hour away. We had to stop into a Kinkos to send a fax or to pick our noses or something, and half way home, he waved his pirated loot around in the back seat. Ordinarily, I would've taken him back to the store and made him return it and made an example of the whole ordeal so that he would never ever steal again. Well, forgive me for being a tired single mom who had driven all over south west Virginia appraising homes with people who have neighbors with shot guns if you try to photograph their house as a comp, but we didn't go back. Anyways, Matthew still remembers taking this pen and I have to reassure him on a bi-daily basis that yes, Jesus is watching, but no, he isn't going to jail. This morning on the way to school, he wanted to know if Jesus would send kids to jail if they lie... hmm, always such tricky questions. Then, he proceeded to tell me about all the kids at his school who lie, and I really wanted to tell him to just keep it zipped because I'm sure his international pre-school buddies don't want to hear about Jesus. I don't mind him saying that the Dalai Lama said to quit lying or maybe even Buddha!! I'm down with the zen.

Here's a more positive thought for the day-
"Gratitude is a mark of a noble soul and a refined character. We like to be around those who are grateful. They tend to brighten all around them. They make others feel better about themselves. They tend to be more humble, more joyful, more likable." - Joseph B. Wirthlin

I like this, and I try to live by this. For those of you read my depressed post on Sunday, I'm taking it down. I should've maybe written that in a private journal.... we all have our days :)

A new day...

Hi everyone! I'm over my pity party from yesterday!! I just imagine myself as a phoenix, or this girl who gets knocked down and she's really sweaty and has dirt on her face, but she grits her teeth and gets back up... yep, that's me. I refuse to stay down in the dirt :)

Today

Dear Matthew,

Today, a little bratty boy made you cry at the Burger King playland. He screamed "get out" in your face the first 5 times or so that you tried to climb up the plastic maze. And I mean SCREAMED. His parents did nothing, so I went over and asked the three year old idiot face to please stop yelling. He yelled even more and frankly, you were afraid of him. His mother came over to see what I was saying and I politely said "would you please ask him to stop yelling, he's scaring my son?" to which she replied "he's not doing anything, he can play any way he wants to. " I reiterated that in fact he was screaming in your face everytime you tried to pass him and she denied that he was. I sat up straighter in my chair, resolute that we were not leaving and told you to ignore him and go all the way to the top and play, that he wasn't even big enough to follow you all the way up. You know what the best part was? Five minutes later, the little punk came down and went and got his binky and plopped it in his little foul mouth and you laughed and said "oh my gosh- look mom! he's a little baby!!" and I steamed to myself, "that's right, a little, punk baby who doesn't know any better because his mom is a crass, low life, insolent idiot."

I know I've made many choices that have ended so poorly in my life, but Matthew- I am so proud of you as my son. I have never seen you be mean to anyone. ever. I have seen you comfort other children and share with them and love them. I don't think you have a mean bone in your body, and I know your brother doesn't either. I always want you to be the kid who gives someone a hand- the kid who helps someone who's fallen or gives someone your blankie if they're cold. You are such a smart boy. All day long, every day, you sound words out and you know phonics better than most kids in elementary school. You love to learn and you love to have fun. Laughing with you is one of the things that makes me the happiest in this life of uncertainty and heartache. I chased you around the park for a good hour after the bratty kid incident and you amaze me with your coordination and agility. You are the fastest little runner I've ever seen. Sometimes, I take you to the gym with me and you'll run a few laps until you tire. I seriously can't keep up with you on the first lap. You fly.

Taylor,

I love you. I was so sad last week when you cried on the phone over your grade in science class. I miss you so much every day, and Matthew does, too. There is never a day that I'm not acutely aware that I little chunk of my heart isn't here, but he's in Colorado. You have been such a treasure in my life. When you are home in the summer or holidays, I love staying up with you, snuggled up on the couch watching Discovery or History channel. I love that you have a passion for that kind of stuff. I so miss the days when you were a little towheaded toddler with your chocolate eyes. I don't know where the time has gone. Now you wear contacts!!

A few weeks ago, you made me so proud as a mother. You were so excited when I called you because you wanted to tell me that you had found out a girl in your class had a crush on you. You know why that made me so happy and so proud? It was because you trusted me. You trusted me with your pre-teen puppy love story and felt secure in sharing your excitement with me, and I was so happy for you. That was a moment I will never forget. I could've never told my mother something like that for fear of getting in trouble. I have always told you that you can talk to me about anything and I won't get mad and I will always love you. Thank you for trusting me. You are my gem. I will always listen to you and love you no matter what.

A Blast From The Past

I came across these pictures on our daycare website from almost three years ago. I particularly love that half the kids in this first picture have their fingers in their noses:

Today's Matthew Gems

First, let's start things off right with a pic:

Second, let's get going with a little artistic work from little man himself:

This is a picture that Matthew drew at preschool yesterday . Matthew is on the right with a warm Mr. Sunshine beaming on and Matthew's friend Koy is on the left. And yes, Koy is five years old, with a real, live mowhawk that his mother uses Elmer's Glue to stick up all spiky and 4 inches high.

True Statements

Here are some gems from Matthew in the last 12 hours.

"Hey Shelley! What are these?" as he points to a box of tampons on the kitchen table, of course. "Um, go ask your mom." "what are they called!?!" "TAMPONS!" .... (pitter patter to living room) "HEY MOM! can I have a Pampon!" "no! play your video game, kid!"

Matthew often sleeps on the floor beside my bed, and he often ends up practically underneath my bed. Last night, I could feel his little feet pushing underneath my mattress:

"Matthew, please stop kicking my bed."

"Mom, I'm not. You must just have gas."

This kid slays me, every day. and I love him all the more for it.

A birthday is a perfect time to start!

Can you feel the love? If you can't, then you may want to check your pulse. Matthew told everyone his mommy was turning 23 today. I sure love you, Matthew. Reverse those numbers and you've got it straight.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get this kid to cooperate and smile for a picture? Let me just clue you in...

(If your nose is itching, just scratch it, dude.) (If you can't contain yourself, by all means, stick your tongue out, go ahead.)

If your mom finally gets you to smile, ain't no big thang that she's shamelessly taking self portraits in the car, in the fire lane in front of the Dollar Tree... you're too little to be embarassed, and dang it, it's my birthday, I'll take pics if I wanna!