Sunday Thought

I find that I cycle through really spiritual peaks and then something happens and it causes me to lose my footing and I feel unsettled. I have had several large decisions in my life that I felt spiritually 100% sure of, only to to end in disastrous results. I know I am not alone in this and I know that we all have trials. I think when we go through a really hard time, we try to figure out how to avoid something similar happening in the future. I know I want to spare myself the pain of repeating a cycle or making "mistakes" over again. While trying to figure out what went wrong and why God would confirm to me a decision that would end so badly, I've read relationship books, psychology books, anthropology books, spiritual books, Judy Blume books, you name it- I've tried to find the answer. At times I have supposed that I must be crazy or misdirected or traumatized subconsciously from my childhood and THAT'S why I feel SO sure about things and think that God has directed me. Thoughts like that make me not trust my feelings and it has, at times, made me doubt my belief in God and in the church. Last year at this time, I wrote in my journal of extreme spiritual insight and closeness to God. It seemed that everyday I read the scriptures, something touched me personally and my heart felt as if it might explode.
In the months since late last summer, I've had to figure out how it is that life really works. I've read existentialist views, I've read of the Protestant reformation and the Catholic reformation and I've read of tribes in New Guinea who believe that their sweet potato crops have a soul. Why do people have so many crazy beliefs? Every culture in every part of the world believes in something, even if it's in nothing, as a guide to their spirituality and deity. I want to know if there is a truth in this world. Surely, if there is a God, he didn't intend for us to flounder around in relativity.
I've once again muddled through the book of Alma with all its stories of wars, wishing I would get to something with some meaning to me. I read Helaman 5 last night, the story of Helaman's sons, Lehi and Nephi, going out as missionaries, being cast into prison. The story tells that the earth shook and was covered in a cloud of darkness. There was one among them, Aminidab, who had once been a member of the church but had dissented. To me, he is the hero of this story. Even though he had lost his way, he still recognized what was going on with Lehi and Nephi. He realized they were talking to angels, and he told the people that they way out the cloud of darkness was to cry unto the voice, to repent. This struck me hard. Is the way out of our darkest times, when our lives hang heavy and we are hurt, is it simply turning to Christ? But the thing I love is the example of Aminidab. Something in him remembered. Something in him had not gone so far away from the church that he didn't recognize the light. I love that he is mentioned because it gives hope to us all, even if we have doubted or felt hurt or even wondered if God really existed. Aminidab wasn't perfect, and neither am I, but he was redeemed and by turning to God, he was freed from the cloud of darkness.
I re-read this chapter during the sacrament today, still praying for something to strengthen my testimony, and the member of the bishophric who bore his testimony first read this very chapter. I was completely humbled and energized at the same time. Why had he chosen the very chapter I had read last night, and read again minutes before? I don't know why he did, and I feel inadequate to believe that God prompted him to just for me, but that's really how I felt.
I feel that God most often blesses us through other people. This was kind of a personal thing to happen to me today, but I felt kind of prompted to share it on my blog. I don't know why- maybe one of you guys who read this might need this same message, and if not, you can all go back to thinking I'm crazy :) Or maybe it was for me- to write it out and to think this experience through one more time. Honestly, I'm at a point in my life where I really want to be close to God and I want understanding, but I'm a little afraid because it seems that the times I've been spiritually on top of my game the most, I feel really inspired to follow a course that ends up being so tough, and maybe I'm selfish, but I really could use a little reprieve. I guess I feel like a kid who's put their hand on something hot and is afraid to be burned again.